


*REN AND STIMPY VOICE* MEMMMMOOORRRRIESSSS

by incognitostucka



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, PLEASE LOOK AWAY THIS IS PRIVATE, Yaoi, hi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-01
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-08 13:56:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20836604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incognitostucka/pseuds/incognitostucka
Summary: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pDugHeoXg4&ab_channel=uberfy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if you want any of the index card paintings from this fic its BUT A DOLLAR - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30458469

DAVE: we doin this for real  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: youre nervous youre shaking  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
DAVE: is it because youd rather do it in the slime the way thats more natural to your people and stuff  
KARKAT: FJDHFKSNSLADKSKNFKSNF  
KARKAT: I MEAN, FUCKING IN SOPORIFICS CERTAINLY WOULD HAVE A CALMING EFFECT.  
DAVE: yeahhhhh  
DAVE: yeah ok yeah we can move to the slime  
DAVE: im nervous too to be honest  
KARKAT: I CAN TELL.  
DAVE: ok disclaimer popping my cherry full of alien sleep slime might give me something approximating an anxiety attack but its cool i think the sex chemicals will cancel that out anyways plus i dont actually get anxiety attack anxiety attacks theyre more like miniature full body panics  
KARKAT: OH DAVE, I WAS JOKING. CALM DOWN.  
KARKAT: I'M SO HUMANWASHED, I BARELY EVEN REMEMBER THE SENSATION OF SLIME ON MY SKIN.  
DAVE: thank christ  
DAVE: thank christ you were joking i mean  
DAVE: no comment on the humanwashing  


KARKAT: UH...WAIT, FUCK.  
KARKAT: I JUST REMEMBERED. I'M DEATHLY SELF CONSCIOUS OF MY NAKED BODY.   
KARKAT: NEVERMIND, WE CAN'T DO THIS. I'M CALLING OFF SEX INDEFINITELY.  
DAVE: ok  
KARKAT: HUH?  
DAVE: what   
KARKAT: YOU DON'T SOUND EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT DISAPPOINTED.  
KARKAT: DO YOU EVEN LIKE...ARE YOU EVEN PERSONALLY INTERESTED IN...ARE YOUUU SEXUAL...?  
DAVE: guess ill find out?  
DAVE: i imagine sex is pretty baller if im having it with you  
DAVE: but youre uncomfy and im not gonna push it thatd be arguably or probably objectively the least sexy move i could make   
KARKAT: OH DAVE...  
KARKAT: WHY ARE YOU SO SWEET TO ME WHEN I'M TRYING TO RESIST YOU?!  
DAVE: huh???  
KARKAT: ITS BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU'RE HOT AS HELL. NOW YOU'RE TENDER TOO??? JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?  
DAVE: i dont know  
KARKAT: FUCK!!!!! YOU MAKE A GUY WANNA UP AND THROW INSECURITY TO THE WIND AND JUST...JUST...YOU KNOW...  
DAVE: aw  
DAVE: hey youre not alone if youre a nevernude im like nevernude lite i think  
DAVE: its not like im hard on the eyes or anything like if somebody scopes the choiceness i can actually rest easy knowing it probably just made their day if not ruined the sight of all other naked bodies for them forever  
DAVE: but in most cases it still feels like a violation i mean how often do i even take my dick out where people can see it  
DAVE: to pee?  
DAVE: keep your eyes to your own urinal you thirsty fucks my dick may be a celebrity but im like a human being  
KARKAT: IT IS VIOLATING.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: thats not relevant to you though   
DAVE: i wanna get naked and rub my dick all over you duh times a billion   
KARKAT: OH! SPEAKING OF. I MEANT TO ASK, ARE YOU, UH.  
DAVE: huh  
KARKAT: LIKE ARE YOU...GONNA BE...ON...?  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: i mean sure yeah i can do it  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: OKAY, UH, COOL. COOL.  
DAVE: we can alternate   
KARKAT: GOOD IDEA...LIKE EVERY FEW MINUTES, YEAH?  
DAVE: no like each time we do it   
KARKAT: OHHHHH HAHAHA  
KARKAT: YEAH, OKAY. SEEMS LIKE A SOUND SYSTEM TO ME.  
KARKAT: ANYWAYS. YEAH. WE GET IT, YOU'RE HOT, WHATEVER. HOW'D A ONE LIKE ME SCORE A TEN LIKE YOU. WHAT A PATHETIC CONCOCTION OF UNFAIRNESS AND LUCK. PLBBBT.  
DAVE: hey  
KARKAT: WHAT  
DAVE: heyyy  
KARKAT: WHAAAT  
DAVE: you know youre like   
KARKAT: OH NO  
DAVE: hottie of the year right   
KARKAT: THAT WASN'T AN INVITATION TO—  
DAVE: the ass of fat   
KARKAT: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?  
DAVE: i said   
DAVE: you have a fat ass you have a huge fat enormous fat fucking ass its big and fat   
KARKAT: I...CANNOT...BELIEVE....  
DAVE: your ass is grope bait im sorry it just is  
KARKAT: I'M SORRY! WERE YOU NOT MERE MOMENTS AGO CURATING YOUR EVERY WORD TO MY “COMFIEST” FIRSTTIME LOVEMAKING EXPERIENCE? THIS TALK IS...UH!!!   
DAVE: nothing uncomfy about scooping up a hot thick slice of gray-flavor cake with my bare hands and shoveling it in my mouth like mmmmmmmmmm cakeeeeeee its sooooooo goooooooooooooooooooood  
KARKAT: EW??? BE QUIET!!!  
KARKAT: YOU HAVEN'T EVEN ONCE GROPED MY...BUTT.  
DAVE: hopefully today is the day this changes  
DAVE: wait this tangent on how sexable you are before we get naked and have sex got weirdly horny when did that happen   
DAVE: uh yeah i find you attractive nuff said (not really but this is getting uncomfy)  
KARKAT: IT'S OKAY.   
KARKAT: YOU CAN GRAB MY...ME. ANYWHERE YOU WANT. ANYTIME YOU WANT.  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: totally  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: thank you  
KARKAT: ...NO...PROBLEM...  
DAVE:   
KARKAT:   
DAVE: maybe lets get our clothes off soon  
KARKAT: YES.  



	2. i forgot to name the chapter sorry.

DAVE: we have lived together for a long ass time   
DAVE: having seen each other at our scantiest is practically a given  
DAVE: i think i saw you in your undershirt once   
KARKAT: HUH...IN THAT OLD THING?  
DAVE: yeah you look cute   
KARKAT: SO WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING. I "TAKE IT OFF"?  
KARKAT: I AM NOT LOSING THE SWEATER BASED ON "I SWAW YWOU IN YWOR TWEESHWIRT FWONCE." SUBSTANTIATE YOUR CLAIM, HUMAN.  
DAVE: theres not much of a story to tell  
DAVE: you walked out of your room one evening with a t shirt on sweater in arms on your way to catch the laundry before i turned it on   
DAVE: little did i know  
DAVE: i would be the one turned on that day   
DAVE: i was staring at your bare skin unblinking real creepy like  
DAVE: i do that sometimes i just stare at shit that be mad tantalizing and nobody can tell because i always wear sunglasses   
DAVE: thats how nobody knew i was gay  
KARKAT: UGH...MY ARMS ARE SO...  
DAVE: come on karkat rules of the game bro (but only if youre comfy w it)  
KARKAT: YOU CANT ENFORCE GOVERNMENT MANDATED COMFINESS DURING A GAME EXPLICITLY DESIGNED TO FORCE US OUT OF OUR "COMFY ZONES".  
DAVE: yeah but without the obligatory comfy mention this quirky stripping game would look somewhat shady to your average onlooker especially one missing the context that it was in fact you who came up with this game five minutes ago during our sexy brainstorm sesh we did to engineer a way for us to get our clothes off in spite of yet another humorous predicament weve found ourselves in   
KARKAT: DAVE, SOMETIMES I REALLY THINK YOU BELONG IN A MENTAL WARD.   
KARKAT: I'M NOT JOKING...  


KARKAT: THIS ISN'T SO BAD. IT'S NOT BAD AT ALL. JUST FEELS LIKE WE’RE HANGIN' OUT, SAME OLD SAME OLD. HAHA.  
DAVE: except were actually gonna bang this time  
KARKAT: AND THANK GOD FOR THAT.  


KARKAT: THE LEAST I'VE SEEN YOU INNN...HUMMM.....HAHA YOU ALMOST WORE THAT RIDICULOUS SPEEDO TO THE BEACH. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR AGREEING TO HANG OUT WITH JADE'S PSYCHO NUDIST COLONY. HAHAHAHA YOU LOOKED SO FRIGGIN STUPID! I WAS SO ASHAMED TO CALL MYSELF YOUR FRIEND THAT RATHER THAN SUGGESTING YOU'D WEAR IT, YOU *THREATENED* TO! HAHAHAHAHA, BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS, KID. YOU DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS.  
DAVE: thank god there are some feats of irony even im too self conscious to reach for  
KARKAT: I THINK YOU REALLY WANTED TO WEAR IT THOUGH. YOU'RE SUCH A TERRIBLE SHOWOFF. AND THERE'S LAYERS TO IT TOO. OF COURSE LOOKING STUPID IS THE MOST STREAMLINED PATH TO THE CENTER OF ATTENTION. BUT ON SOME LEVEL YOU TRULY BELIEVE YOU LOOK EXCEPTIONAL IN A THONG, AND THAT'S WHAT'S REALLY HEARTBREAKING. LIKE MEETING EYES WITH THE TWO SINKHOLES WHERE YOUR ASS SHOULD BE IS SOME KIND OF BLESSING. GAHAHAHAHAHA!   
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: am   
DAVE: i   
DAVE: wrong?  


  


KARKAT: HAHAHAHAHA OHHH OH MY GOD STOP STOP STOP AHAHAHAH DAVE WAIT! THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING, SO STUPID, SO HUMAN-GAY. HAHAHAHAHA, DAVE, DAVE QUIT IT. I'M SERIOUSLY GONNA THROW UP AND DIE. WE'RE REALLY LAME, AREN'T WE??? HAHAHAHAHAHA!  



	3. which way do you wipe? write in the comments below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://consumerist.com/2014/12/31/play-doh-will-replace-phallic-toy-frosting-extruders-on-request/ JFDLKSAF???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want any of the index card paintings from this fic its BUT A DOLLAR - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30458469

DAVE: damn you took me out in one shot   
KARKAT: IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING AN IDIOT.  
DAVE: no u  
KARKAT: BRAVO! AND YOU WONDER WHY YOU'RE STILL A VIRGIN.  
DAVE: i never wonder that   
DAVE: also get this virgin on virgin crime isnt cool dude  
KARKAT: *I* AM A VIRGIN BECAUSE ABSTINENCE STRENGTHENS ONES WILLPOWER AND SELF DISCIPLINE THANK YOU VERY MUCH.  
DAVE: just say youre an incel we get it   
KARKAT: SHOULDN'T YOU BE LOOKING FOR THE KEY TO YOUR CHASTITY BELT AROUND THIS HOUR?  
DAVE: i would but im too busy talking to the only sterile asexually reproducing organism alive   
DAVE: im saying you jack off a lot  
KARKAT: WHO WATCHES ENOUGH PORN TO RUN A MODESTLY POPULAR REVIEW CHANNEL ON IT?  
DAVE: i watch the porn for the channel i dont run the channel for the porn  
DAVE: and its ironic  
DAVE: and you suck  
KARKAT: DO YOU ALSO IRONICALLY NEED TO GET YOUR HAND SURGICALLY UNFUSED FROM YOUR DICK FOURTEEN TIMES A YEAR?  
DAVE: you have no game  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE NO LIFE  
DAVE: loser  
KARKAT: IMBECILE  
DAVE: dumbass  
KARKAT: FUCKFACE  
DAVE: fuck*ass*  
KARKAT: I HATE YOU!  
DAVE: bite me  


DAVE: oh shit inspiration bomb  
DAVE: thanks for the tongue babe you just made me stronger than you ever couldve imagined  
KARKAT: TRY ME!  
DAVE: ive seen you on the toilet  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU  
DAVE: do you remember those days  
DAVE: so serene it was  
KARKAT: THERE'S REALLY NO NEED TO KEEP TELLING STORIES WE WERE BOTH THERE FOR  
DAVE: so naive we were  
KARKAT: OKAY.  
DAVE: you were like   
DAVE: daaaaaaaaaaave  
DAVE: and i was like  
DAVE: yea?  
DAVE: and you were like  
DAVE: come hither  
DAVE: and i was like  
DAVE: k but youre on the toilet   
DAVE: and you were like  
KARKAT: I KNOW.  
DAVE: well id say i braced myself for the sight but what is toilet time between two brothers from distinct mothers  
KARKAT: I DON'T HAVE A MOTHER.  
DAVE: so i stepped inside the chamber  
KARKAT: OUR BATHROOM.  
DAVE: and closed the door behind me so jade wouldnt get any agent orange in her eyes  
DAVE: poor poor innocent jade  
DAVE: she never shut the hell up about it after she saw us both come out of there  
KARKAT: I COULD TAKE THE RIDICULE IF HER SENSE OF HUMOR WEREN'T SO...  
DAVE: gross  
DAVE: but rewind wicka wicka wa wicka wicka wa wa  
DAVE: those were record scratching s  
KARKAT: I KNOW.  
DAVE: i almost died upon impact  
DAVE: there are really no words to describe it  
DAVE: but if i had to choose a word else i be subjected to the horror of what i experienced that day again i would say it was  
DAVE: stank  
KARKAT: ARE YOU DONE?  
DAVE: , said me.   
DAVE: and then you said  
DAVE: of course im done you idiot asshole you are such a piece of shit you march in here while im on the toilet and you have the audacity to assume im uncivilized enough to invite you in while shits still coming out my ass like play dough being squoze through that one blatantly phallic 'frosting extruder' toy i mean its even in the name jesus christ you know the one  
(KARKAT: I REALLY DON'T.)  
DAVE: what is wrong with humans  
DAVE: end quote  
KARKAT: "SORRY KARKAT. IT REALLY IS SUCH AN HONOR THAT YOU'D HAVE ME."  
KARKAT: "I HOPE THAT WE CAN HAVE ANOTHER FATEFUL ENCOUNTER LIKE THIS ONE DAY."  
DAVE: "wow anger human boys are extremely better seen than heard keep flapping your delicate lips like that and im gonna get a boner on the toilet and you dont want that cause then youll have to deal with it big boy"  
KARKAT: "I'M SUCH A BARBARIAN THAT THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT I'D LIKE."  
DAVE: "ew ugh bitch argh humans blah im freaking freaking out dont you see"  
KARKAT: "HEY MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST CALM DOWN AND STOP BEING SUCH A HYSTERICAL BROAD FOR LIKE 2 SECONDS KARKAT. I'M ALREADY SUFFERING ENOUGH, HAVING YOU COME ONTO ME WHILE YOU'RE ON THE FUCKING TOILET. BUT YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE THE NET MISERY FOUND IN ANY GIVEN SITUATION AND REALLY ONE UP IT WITH YOUR PISSY UNPALATTABLE ATTITUDE, DON'T YOU? NOBODY LIKES THAT. NOBODY LIKES BEING AROUND YOU."  
DAVE: "ok dave from hell i guess thats your opinion but im working on my self respect and self love and hey maybe youre just lashing out at me because youve gotta work on that stuff yourself"  
KARKAT: "NO. I'M DAVE. I ALREADY LOVE MYSELF."  
DAVE: "well im karkat so i know thats not true"  
KARKAT: "WHY'D YOU CALL ME IN HERE, REALLY. THE FIRST THING TO CATCH MY EYE UPON ENTRY IS THE VERY EXTREMELY FULL ROLL OF TOILET PAPER YOU HAVE THERE BESIDE YOU. SO RIGHT OFF THE BAT I'M THINKING OH LORD, TIME TO SAY MY FINAL PRAYER, BECAUSE WHY THE HELL AM I HERE RIGHT NOW."  
DAVE: "ugh dave you sexy bastard listen to me would you!"  
KARKAT: "!"  
DAVE: "wiping with toilet paper is for heathens"  
KARKAT: "THAT MAKES SENSE."  
DAVE: "no, it really doesnt make any sense at all. or rather it shouldnt make immediate sense to anyone who isnt me, because the first assumption you make upon hearing, word for word, a sentence that inconceivably fucked is that i just dont wipe at all?  
DAVE: and to condone that hideous concept says some seriously dark shit about your character"  
KARKAT: "IT SURE DOES."  
DAVE: "dave from hell please im not done talking"  
KARKAT: "SORRY."  
DAVE: "what i meant to say before you silently cut me off with that look of pure disdain was that wiping with toilet paper FIRST is for heathens"  
DAVE: "you have to first apply a wet wipe to the sensitive area and then use an economical tear of two-ply to dry yourself with"  
DAVE: "dave dont tell me you just fucking go at it with toilet paper and smear shit all over your ass"  
KARKAT: "NO, I DO."  
DAVE: "hhhhhggggggggggggggg dave from hell you are so"  
DAVE: "look"  
DAVE: "im an understanding guy"  
DAVE: "if you suffer from a rare cross between chronic diarrhea and severe constipation like me then yes this method is perfectly acceptable but im a rational alternian being who understands that it would be ridiculous to expect normal people to practice what is quite frankly what i consider a specialized medical treatment"   
KARKAT: "NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT I SHOULD BE WIPING FRONT TO BACK."  
DAVE: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT  
DAVE: OF COURSE YOU SHOULD BE WIPING F  
DAVE: .............................................................................................  
DAVE: its fine   
DAVE: im at peace with whatever happens to me from here on out  
DAVE: "okay im karkat again so anyways can you just fucking hand me the wet wipes and have this be over with i mean seriously weve been conversing in this smelly fucking bathroom no ventilation no incense for like thirty minutes now dave i love you i appreciate you but can we please pick this up when im not on the fucking toilet"  
KARKAT: "OK HERE YOU GO."  
DAVE: "thank you."  
DAVE: and then i stood there for way longer than i needed to before realizing that i didnt actually have to stay in the room and watch you wipe  
DAVE: in a way i guess you could say im a completionist   
KARKAT: THE END.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and if you want to download what i use to auto-format my dialogue for the homestuck workskin - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30455111 IT IS BUT A DOLLAR, BUT THE SAME DOLLAR FROM THE BEGINNING NOTES, NOT AN ADDITIONAL DOLLAR.


	4. trussy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for razz

KARKAT: THIS IS MADNESS. WHERE ARE OUR CLOTHES, DAVID?  
DAVE: crazy i just opened my eyes one day and here i was  
KARKAT: FASCINATING HOW YOU CAN COME UP WITH THESE SENTENCES THAT HAVE JUST LITERALLY NO MEANING.  
DAVE: im full of em  
KARKAT: MHMMMMMMMMMMMMMM  
DAVE: we sure do take a long time to do practically ducking anything   
KARKAT: YEPPPPP  
DAVE: i keep thinking of funny stories but i cant say any of them because i already got you down to your little socks  
DAVE: im gonna expose your feet just watch me  
DAVE: your toesie woesies will be minesies  
KARKAT: OH MY FUCKING GOD. I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING HORRIBLE.  
KARKAT: I HAVE SEEN YOUR DICK!  
DAVE: what   
DAVE: no  
DAVE: ive never shown you that before   
DAVE: have i shown you my dick before  
DAVE: it was that blasted trickster lollipop wasnt it god damn drugs i knew i shouldve stayed in school  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: when were you peeping my d   
KARKAT: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
DAVE: i dont jade around the house naked or anything so—  
KARKAT: JADE DIDN'T LIVE WITH US BACK THEN.  
DAVE: double what  
DAVE: you saw my dick in the MEDIUM  
DAVE: sorry bro you scoped someone elses johnson i was permafused to my jammies back then   
DAVE: like i was gonna let a bunch of girls one of which being my SISTER see me naked  
DAVE: youd have to have been the next james bond to ispy with your little eye my dick and not just because of how small it is though thats part of it  
KARKAT: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
DAVE: thats hyperbole you definitely werent actually spying on my dick were you  
KARKAT: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
DAVE: dude  
DAVE: when did you see my dick  
DAVE: dude   
KARKAT: UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
KARKAT: DAVE THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!  
DAVE: i cannot believe you have kept this from me for so long   
DAVE: my boyfriend is a sex criminal   
DAVE: teen me feels so violated   
DAVE: are we only dating now because you groomed me starting from 13 oh my god its all coming together  
DAVE: someone needs to go back and warn 13 year old me that 13 year old karkat is a known predator   
DAVE: someone with...time powers of some sort...  
KARKAT: I WASN'T SPYING ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: you probably took pictures too and crawled into the vents with gamzee to jack off on them you heinous creep cancelled cancelled cancelled cancelled   
KARKAT: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I WASN'T THE ONE STIMULATING MY HOTLINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: ok so it was just gamzee that makes me feel infinitely better p h e w   
KARKAT: GAMZEE DIDN'T SEE YOU DOING IT. I WAS THE ONLY ONE AND I NEVER TOLD ANYONE, I SWEAR.  
DAVE: doing what  
  
  
  
  
  
KARKAT: ITS NOT MY FAULT YOU WERE DOING IT OFF THE ROOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  


DAVE: well this is it kat  
DAVE: were unsheathed  
KARKAT: IS IT TOO LATE TO BACK OUT NOW?  
DAVE: no?  
DAVE: we can stop anytime bro im not gonna hold you down damn  
KARKAT: AW MA--  
KARKAT: I MEAN THAT'S VERY WELL ADJUSTED OF YOU TO SAY, THANK YOU.  
KARKAT: NAH, I DO WANT TO BANG. BUT I'M SUPER SCARED, DAVE!  
KARKAT: WHAT IF IT DOESN'T FIT?  
DAVE: then were fucked  
DAVE: what do we even do how do we do this  
DAVE: my porn review channel surprisingly did not prepare me in the slightest  
KARKAT: DON'T YOU LIKE, ONLY WATCH STRAIGHT PORN OR SOMETHING.  
DAVE: thats where the funny shits at   
DAVE: gay porn is hard to criticize its too earnest you know like even if its bad you can tell they tried their best and put a lot of heart in the production  
KARKAT: YOU'RE PROJECTING AGAIN.  
KARKAT: GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.  
DAVE: are you gonna pull up porn  
DAVE: im jealous now  
DAVE: what have they got that i dont got besides that one obvious thing  
KARKAT: DAVE THAT'S STUPID. PORN ROTS YOUR BRAIN.   
KARKAT: HERE WE GO, ["HOW TO HAVE GAY SEX", CLEAN AND SIMPLE--](https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBF_enUS731US731&sxsrf=ACYBGNRwfm-XQY4BE-xRHVrvYJHyQkC3uw%3A1569919809104&ei=QROTXYyBBrGV0PEPlc2P2Ak&q=how+to+have+gay+sex+&oq=how+to+have+gay+sex+&gs_l=psy-ab.3...116399.116399..116803...0.0..0.61.61.1......0....1..gws-wiz.jY-sDB-DNKU&ved=0ahUKEwjMpbCE1_rkAhWxCjQIHZXmA5sQ4dUDCAs&uact=5)  
DAVE: shit wait ["21 things to know before losing your gay virginity"](https://www.advocate.com/sexy-beast/2018/5/17/21-things-know-losing-your-gay-virginity) bro click that one  
KARKAT: THAT'S OBVIOUS CLICKBAIT.  
DAVE: dude stop theres 21 things we NEED to know and so far we dont know even one of them  
DAVE: if we fuck up and break our gay virginity thats it man you do not get a refund on that shit  
KARKAT: JUST LET ME CLICK THE STRAIGHTFORWARD ONE SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH GOD DAMN IT YOU CLICKED IT  
DAVE: hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahaha  
DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha  
DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahah  
DAVE: whos this douchebag and what does he need to warn me about  


KARKAT: OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO STUPID. GO BACK!!!  
DAVE: "be able to access medical treatment"? what the hell is going to happen im scared now  
DAVE: why would your ass tear my dick isnt sharp  
DAVE: this part must not be meant for us  
KARKAT: THIS IS FAKE NEWS, IT'S CLICKBAIT. DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THIS CRAP.  
DAVE: "men who have sex with men are not automatically gay"  
DAVE:  
DAVE: word?  
KARKAT: FUCK YOU I'M TAKING THE PHONE. [OK I'M GONNA LOOK AT WIKIPEDIA THERE'S NO BULLSHIT ON THIS WEBITE.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_sexual_practices)  
DAVE: the scholars resource  
KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!  
DAVE: hahhahahahahahahahhahahaha why are these images so vulgar holy shit  
DAVE: wikipedia you nasty boy  
KARKAT: WHAT IF A KID ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLES UPON THIS PAGE???  
DAVE: what if some kid accidentally stumbles upon the page on gay sex?  
DAVE: me  
DAVE: what is 'frotting'  
DAVE: no i dont care anymore look at this part   
DAVE: "the penetrating man on the right is the 'top' and the receptive man on the left is the 'bottom'"  
DAVE: the receptive man  
DAVE: im losing it  
DAVE: im falling apart  
DAVE: if i saw my reflection in a mirror i wouldnt recognize myself anymore  
KARKAT: ARE YOU DONE? ARE YOU DONE YET?  
KARKAT: SEX ISN'T FUNNY. IT'S SERIOUS. IT'S SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS.  
KARKAT: WE SERIOUSLY NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THIS. IT'S LIKE I’M DOING ALL THE LEGWORK OVER HERE, LIKE WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING? YOU'RE SITTING ON YOUR ASS YOU AREN'T DOING SHIT.   
DAVE: oh man maybe you should be the man on the right then  
KARKAT:   
KARKAT: SO WE HAVE SOME OPTIONS. HERE IT SAYS, OK LOOK LOOK, "AN ONLINE SURVEY SHOWED THAT ORAL SEX WAS THE MOST COMMONLY PRACTICED ... FOLLOWED BY MUTUAL MASTURBATION, WITH ANAL INTERCOURSE IN THIRD PLACE" THOSE ARE THE POPULAR ONES, SO THEY ARE PROBABLY EASY TO START OUT WITH.   
KARKAT: DAVE WOULD YOU **GROW THE FUCK UP** AND STOP LITERALLY ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING? NOBODY ROFLS IN REAL LIFE, IDIOT.  
DAVE: why is anal in third place  
DAVE: im destroyed  
DAVE: now i know how sports fans feel when their team loses  
KARKAT: YOU MORON.  
KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA DO ANAL? IS THAT IT? ANAL? ANAL, THAT'S YOUR FINAL ANSWER, IN THE FORM OF A FUCKING JOKE?  
DAVE: i just assumed that was what we were gonna do by default   
DAVE: gay sex = anal  
DAVE: but according to wikipedia gay sex != anal  
DAVE: karkat this is literally a whole new world a new fantastic point of view  
DAVE: give me some more options feels like im a coked up kid on christmas morn' who just found the gay sex multiverse under his tree  
KARKAT: OKAAAAAY, LET'S SEE. DOGGY STYLE, MISSIONARY, ORAL, ANAL, YEAH YEAH YEAH, SPANKING, BDSM, SEX TOYS, LALALALALA HMM RIGHT WHERE'S THE REST  
DAVE: what the hell do you mean the rest why did you read that shit like the alphabet  
DAVE: i have about 50 questions regarding each item on that list  
KARKAT: AWW LOOK DAVE. "MSM ARE MUCH MORE APT TO BOTH ACHIEVE ORGASM AND FIND SEX *VERY* (WINK) OR *EXTREMELY* (WINK WINK) PLEASURABLE WHEN IT IS WITH A STABLE PARTNER, OR SOMEONE THEY ARE IN LOVE WITH."   
KARKAT: THAT'S QUITE PROMISING, ISN'T IT? (;B (WINKWINKWINK WINKITY WINK WINK)  
DAVE: hell yeah we gonna cum like crazy because we are fucking in love  
KARKAT: HEHE.  
KARKAT: THIS APPEARS TO BE THE LAST 'FORM', "PENILE PENETRATION OF THE VAGINA"  
DAVE: haha well i guess we can cross that one off the list  
KARKAT: WHY?  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: cuz?  
KARKAT: CUZ???  
KARKAT: CUZ WHAT. I DON'T GET THE JOKE.  
DAVE: huh  
DAVE: no wait now i dont get it  
KARKAT: WHAT ISN'T THERE TO GET.  
DAVE: uhh  
KARKAT: HUH?  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WHAT!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: huh?  
KARKAT: ...I DON'T GET IT.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: wait can i see the phone i have to google something  
KARKAT: OKAY???  
  
DAVE: i see  
DAVE: i think i may now know  
DAVE: which of the sexs   
DAVE: that i would like to engage in  
KARKAT: GREAT. TELL ME RIGHT AWAY SO WE CAN GET STARTED!  



	5. ITS THIS PART OF THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlPyIRd5TNM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IS THIS THE ROAD OF TRIALS OR IS IT THE REBIRTH :?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want any of the index card paintings from this fic its BUT A DOLLAR - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30458469

KARKAT: MMGG...  
KARKAT: NNNNN  
KARKAT: GH...  
KARKAT: OW!  
DAVE: sorry!  
DAVE: oh my god sorry are you okay  
KARKAT: NO!  
KARKAT: GAH, I JUST CAN'T. I CAN'T GET IN THE MOOD ALL OF A SUDDEN.  
DAVE: yeah i could sense that  
DAVE: we are experiencing somewhat of a drought down here  
KARKAT: FOR SOME REASON WHEN YOU GOT INSIDE OF ME I IMMEDIATELY FELT... PISSED OFF? LIKE JUST DOWNRIGHT OFFENDED, REALLY.  
KARKAT: I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING...  
DAVE: i think cats do that   
DAVE: or maybe it was ducks  
DAVE: like their bodies can sense an insufficient partner and their system just like shuts down  
DAVE: it might even clamp shut or something?   
DAVE: idk i remember reading about uterus mazes but wikipedia said you definitely dont have one of those  
DAVE: its cool though like gotta listen to the signals of your body yo  
DAVE: ill just go sit over there where i cant offend anyone no problem sorry about that and good day  
KARKAT: PLEASE. YOU ARE NOT "INSUFFICIENT". I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.  
KARKAT: IF ANYTHING, SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH ME! I WAS SO GEARED UP A FEW MINUTES AGO, BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT IT SEEMS THAT I'M, UH, BROKEN.  
DAVE: nooo  
DAVE: no im sure we can figure this out like  
DAVE: ill look it up ill google it and actually pay fucking attention this time   
DAVE: theres just something were missing theres always something were missing  
KARKAT: I DON'T THINK SO, NOT THIS TIME. I KNOW MY BODY, DAVE.   
KARKAT: IT SHOULDN'T BE LIKE THIS...  
KARKAT: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SPECIAL FOR YOU! I RUINED YOUR FIRST TIME. I *KNEW* I WOULD DO THIS I KNEW I WOULD FUCK UP IN SOME WAY, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRIED NOT TO! I THINK THAT SOMEHOW THE MORE THAT I LOVED YOU AND THE HARDER I TRIED THE MORE I ENSURED THIS DISASTER.  
DAVE: hey  
KARKAT: I REALLY THOUGHT THAT I COULD MAYBE. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T THINK I WAS EVER "SUPPOSED" TO START THINKING LIKE THIS, BUT FOR YOU I THOUGHT I COULD USE MY BODY FOR, UH, TO SHOW, TO EXPRESS, LIKE. SOMETHING. GOOD? FOR ONCE?   
KARKAT: MY INSIDES ARE KNOTTING UP. I DON'T THINK WHATEVER THIS IS WANTS TO COME OUT. DAVE...I'M SORRY.  
DAVE: whoa whoa wait  
DAVE: hey ok maybe you should breathe first of all  
DAVE: dang i could tell you were apprehensive even though you kept saying you wanted to do it  
KARKAT: I WOULDN'T BE SO DEVASTATED IF I DIDN'T.  
DAVE: i should have just made us wait a little longer  
KARKAT: WHY IS THAT ALL UP TO YOU?!  
KARKAT: I CAN MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS EVEN IF THEY'RE GOING TO BE THE WRONG ONES!  
DAVE: no i  
DAVE: phrased that poorly   
DAVE: i was just worried about you hey hey hey  
DAVE: you are not defective no keep listening  
DAVE: karkat if you couldnt or didnt want to have sex whether it be just today or for the rest of time  
DAVE: thats like  
DAVE: a thing  
DAVE: im pretty sure its so much of a thing theres even a name for it? once i remember what it is ill tell you  
DAVE: this is literally your first time in bed with someone  
DAVE: i dont know who came up with that first times the charm shit but lets just say i am not on speaking terms with him at the moment  
DAVE: we literally have instincts to tell us to be apprehensive of our first time doing oh i dont know actually fucking anything cause as it turns out the first time is NOT the charm  
DAVE: your first time doing something is you trying to hold a sword twice the size of your body and accidentally splitting open your tiny baby head  
DAVE: or overexposing your photographs of dead shit that were meant to look obnoxiously gritty in an ironic way but ended up looking like some kinda ghost party instead which you guess was cool in its own right  
DAVE: or meeting someone in person for the first time and not giving them a hug   
DAVE: you had no idea what and how many things you would be feeling once you got there  
DAVE: and the idea that you ever had any idea suddenly becomes so laughably wrong  
DAVE: it doesnt help that whatever you were told about the experience up to that point is immediately debunked like straight myth busted as having been a resounding load of fucking shit so cheers to whoever told it to you  
DAVE: none of this is your fault even the expectations you have for yourself you likely just picked up from any old where growing up  
DAVE: you know like  
DAVE: from a place that doesnt exist anymore?  
KARKAT: I HEAR YOU.  
DAVE: i think this can actually be a good thing even if it wasnt "good" in the way that it is in your romance novels  
DAVE: you can calm down reflect on how this experience made you feel and use that to build on your sense of self so you know yourself better isnt that cool  
DAVE: i think its exciting i like learning new things about you well i guess i could just say that i like *you* could you imagine  
DAVE: haha no its more than that i think youre perfect really  
KARKAT: OH YOU FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: ????????????????????????????????????  
KARKAT: GUIQHWEGIEWHQFOIEQHWFKHDSKJGHKSALKSF;AL'W;LDSA'K;'AS  


DAVE: uhhhh   
DAVE: you good  
KARKAT: IT WAS YOUR *****SHADES******  
DAVE: what do my shades have to do with anything?!  
KARKAT: YOUR SHADES WERE THROWING ME OFF!!!  
DAVE: i  
DAVE: i dont see the issue.  
KARKAT: *YOU*  
KARKAT: TODAY, WHEN I WOKE UP, I TOLD MYSELF, "OKAY, TODAY'S THE DAY, KARKAT. TRY TO STAY POSITIVE AND SEE HOW IT GOES. BUT THERE IS ONE VERY IMPORTANT DETAIL YOU MUST REMEMBER TO CORRECT! IN THE CASE THAT DAVE TRIES TO WEAR HIS SUNGLASSES DURING SEX, WHICH I TRUST THAT HE WON'T BECAUSE HE IS A WHOLESOME, SANE LOVER, YOU ARE TO SHATTER THEM AND BREAK UP WITH HIM. EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY."  
DAVE: why would you shatter my glasses thats not nice  
KARKAT: YOU MAKE ME INSANE. YOU GIVE ME MENTAL DISORDERS.  
KARKAT: I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO *TELL* YOU TO TAKE THEM OFF, THAT'S LIKE ME HAVING TO *TELL* YOU TO DO THE DISHES, OR HAVING TO *TELL* YOU TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH.  
DAVE: i have to tell you to do those things  
KARKAT: IT'S BASIC COMMON DECENCY. AND HERE I AM LOOKING LIKE SOME KIND OF TWO CENT WHORE GIVING IT UP FOR A GUY WHO WEARS FUCKING SUNGLASSES DURING FUCKING SEX!!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT WAS MISSING. MY SENSE OF FUCKING SELF RESPECT.   
DAVE: now just you stop it  
DAVE: june gave me these sunglasses  
DAVE: wearing them instills in me a sense of comfiness *so* comf its like shes right here beside me my best buddy june   
DAVE: cheering me on empowering me to charge into the unknown and face whatever trials may await me   
DAVE: the glasses are my strength the glasses are my soul and you KNOW that  
DAVE: the glasses  
DAVE: stay on  
DAVE: during sex  
KARKAT: DON'T MAKE ME USE FORCE.  
DAVE: we can stay virgins its no skin off my back  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
DAVE: karkat  
KARKAT: RULES OF THE GAME.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: doesnt sound like you have a memory to share  
KARKAT: PLEASE. DON'T INSULT ME.  
KARKAT: NOW MAN UP AND SHOW ME THE EYES I FELL IN LOVE WITH.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and if you want to download what i use to auto-format my dialogue for the homestuck workskin - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30455111 IT IS BUT A DOLLAR, BUT THE SAME DOLLAR FROM THE BEGINNING NOTES, NOT AN ADDITIONAL DOLLAR.


	6. SOME VERY BRIEF SEX (EXPLICIT) (R18) (ADULT) (NSFW) (NASTY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> note 1: DAVE WOULDNT HAVE FORESKIN BECAUSE BRO CIRCUMCISED HIM WITH A NINJA SWORD *EPICFACEPALM*  
note 2: davekat always forgets the lube it sad  
note 4: its 4:48am i have work tomororwi m so tired i had like 598273598759 tabs open on sai and i just kept looping the same song so i oculd focus the song was lucky ball and chain by they might be giatns also im very embarrassed of this chapter but its so late i cant properly feel embarrassed but i know ill sleep for like 2 hours and wake up in a cold sweat about it also i h d to proofread in this state so wait it might all be wrong so just hold on a darn tooting seciodnd Awake Carmi will be here soon  
note 5 new note: so i got 6 hours of sleep and my hp bar feels very low i am EXTREMELY SCARED TO LOOK AT ANYTHING ON THIS PAGE RIGHT NOW FSDFKDSHFKJDSAF

KARKAT: KARKAT AND DAVE'S FIRST TIME, A SERIES OF UNSALVAGEABLE EVENTS -   
DAVE: take two!

DAVE: were naked  
KARKAT: ASTUTE OBSERVATION.  
KARKAT: NICE DICK?  
DAVE: has it gotten any bigger since i was 16  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: no hesitation cool  
DAVE: your guys pretty cute himself  
KARKAT: “GUY”?  
KARKAT: “CUTE”?  
KARKAT: _"HIMSELF”?_  
DAVE: i think hes asking me to give him a little smoonch  
DAVE: whats that karkats dick? you want a kiss? awwwwwww  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT ASKING YOU TO DO ANYTHING. IT'S GENITALIA.  
DAVE: right  
DAVE: hey look what i can do with my foreskin  
DAVE: i consider this a party trick even though id probably go to jail if i used it at any parties  
KARKAT: O:B  
KARKAT: I DIDN'T KNOW HUMANS COULD DO THINGS LIKE THAT.  
DAVE: heh well  
DAVE: im a bit talented   
DAVE: whats up why are you shuffling around like you suddenly got super antsy out of absolutely nowhere while we were playing troll tony hawk because we couldnt get horny i mean whats goin on buddy are you good do you feel well should i get ice  
KARKAT: ...CAN WE GET UNDER THE COVERS?  


KARKAT (THINKING): OK KARKAT DON'T PANIC AGAIN  
KARKAT (THINKING): WAIT. I'M NOT EVEN PANICKING IN THE SLIGHTEST. WHY DID I THINK THAT.  
KARKAT (THINKING): DO YOU *WANT* ME TO PANIC?  
KARKAT (THINKING): WELL FUCK!  


DAVE (thinking): i cant believe karkat caught me jacking off 8 years ago and never told me   
DAVE (thinking): this is so embarrassing i want to die  


KARKAT (THINKING): NAH, I'M COOL. C:B 

DAVE: hey uh  
KARKAT: YEAH?  
DAVE: can i touch your face  
KARKAT: ...YEAH.  
KARKAT: THIS IS NICE.  


DAVE: when i see you looking like this i just melt dude  
DAVE: youre sweet and soft and you deserve tons of kisses and even maybe a little dick if thats what youre into and i love you  
KARKAT: DAVE...  


KARKAT: I LOVE YOU.  


DAVE: my favorite part of your body is actually your face not to sound pretentious its not like second place doesnt belong to your big fat juicy ass  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE (thinking hes invented this idiom): but really its like your eyes are some kind of window directly to your soul or something  
KARKAT (NEVER HAVING HEARD THIS IDIOM): OH............! <3  
DAVE: you wear the most tender expressions ive ever seen you know   
DAVE: youre so soft   
DAVE: all i wanna do is love you every day all the time in every way   
DAVE: sorry am i being gross   
KARKAT: HOW COULD YOU BE?  
DAVE: my unbridled desire for you is showing i think  
KARKAT: THAT'S OKAY. I LIKE THAT AND...I FEEL THE SAME.  
DAVE: you really are tender   
DAVE: the face youre making right now its exactly what im talking about its one of those innocuous ones you make when you eat ice cream and a little gets on your nose oh my god its your “iced cream nose?” face   
KARKAT: o:>B  
DAVE: you  
DAVE: god   
DAVE: you make me sort of...horny   


KARKAT: ...................................................FUCK ME.   


DAVE: (oops)  
DAVE: (oops)  
DAVE: (oops)  
DAVE: (oops)  
DAVE: (howd i even get it in the first time)  
DAVE: (sorry am i ruining the mood)  
KARKAT: (*PATIENT SIGH.* HERE, JUST LET ME--*POP*)  
DAVE: (whoah karkat first time IS the charm nice!)  
DAVE: (its almost like you have practice inserting phallic objects up there or something but thats like crazy what would you even usemmmpphh)  


DAVE: is it good  
KARKAT: Y  
DAVE: is it good  
KARKAT: YE,A  
DAVE: is it good   
KARKAT: YES...!  
DAVE: is it good  
KARKAT: DAVE IT'S AMAZING P-PLEASE SHUT UP!  
DAVE: i just want it to be good   
DAVE: i want to make you cum  
DAVE: still good  
KARKAT: YESSSSSSSSSS AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
DAVE: whoah you sound like youre getting horribly murdered im gonna stop ok  
KARKAT: NO! NO, PLEASE. DON'T STOP. IT'S REALLY FUCKING GOOD DAVE!!!  
DAVE: it is? cool  
DAVE: do you like it there   
DAVE: am i hitting the right spot   
DAVE: oh word   
DAVE: you look like you like it there ill keep hitting it there   
DAVE: haha your cute  
DAVE: do you still like it ignore the voice crack do you still like it  
KARKAT: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF  
DAVE: dont hold it in i wanna hear you   
KARKAT: FUCK!  
DAVE: oh god i  
DAVE: am trying not to cum more than ive ever tried not to cum in my whole entire life no joke please respect the struggle  
DAVE: i want to make you cum first   
DAVE: thatd be so hot  
DAVE: especially if some got on my face that would be epic in the truest uh whats the word uhhh duhduhduh d it starts with a d ddddeeee DEFINITION definition of the woh there  
DAVE: especially if some got on my glasses if youd let me wear them you monster but its okay its not good practice to hold a grudge while youre inside of someone  
DAVE: let alone someone so fucking cute  
DAVE: well save that fetish for another day oh fuck  
DAVE: youre really cute did i say that already  
DAVE: hey are you close  
DAVE: are you close karkat  
DAVE: are you close   
DAVE: karkat are  
DAVE: are you close  
DAVE: can you tell me if youre close  
DAVE: karkat are  


KARKAT: UHHHHH  
KARKAT: I-IS THIS  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: OH  
KARKAT: UM  
KARKAT: DAVE?  
KARKAT: WHAH...I DONT GET IT...I’M SUDDENLY ON THE SPOT LIKE THIS...DAVEEE...AH! HOW'D I EVEN GET UP HERE???  
KARKAT: SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  


DAVE: sniff   
DAVE: sniff sniff  
DAVE: sniffle  
KARKAT: DAVE...? ARE YOU CRYING...?  
DAVE: yea  
KARKAT: WHY?  
DAVE: im just  
DAVE: so  
DAVE: happpyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy   
DAVE: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
DAVE: i never thought id be this close to someone before and like   
DAVE: ACTUALLY feel okay with it  
KARKAT: NOW I'M CRYING...  
DAVE: because it hurts? should i stop  
KARKAT: NO! I-IT'S, AH.  
KARKAT: IT.   
KARKAT: THE.  
KARKAT: UM,.,./ WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT AGAIN???  
KARKAT: EMPATHY!!! EMPATHY, DAVE!!!  
DAVE: ohhhh  
DAVE: its the empathy  


  


KARKAT: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
DAVE: haha oops owe you a t shirt that isnt soiled in jizz  
DAVE: alright karkat cya later im headin out  
KARKAT: W-WHAT??? B-BUT I HAVEN'T...  
DAVE: im just kidding watch me bring this shit HOME homeboy COMMERE  
KARKAT: EEP  


  


KARKAT: ...DID WE.   
KARKAT: DID WE DO IT?  
KARKAT: WAS THAT SEX?  
DAVE: i think it might have been   
KARKAT: OH!  
KARKAT: WELL THEN.   
KARKAT: THAT WAS PRETTAY COOL.  
DAVE: yeah!  
KARKAT: I'M GOING TO PASS OUT NOW.  


VICTORY! 

DAVE: *smeck*  



	7. the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i think i gave myself sleep deprivation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you want any of the index card paintings from this fic its BUT A DOLLAR - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30458469

DAVE: whos going to clean all this up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and if you want to download what i use to auto-format my dialogue for the homestuck workskin - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30455111 IT IS BUT A DOLLAR, BUT THE SAME DOLLAR FROM THE BEGINNING NOTES, NOT AN ADDITIONAL DOLLAR.


	8. the anal route

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im just stapling one of my first pieces of 2019stuck fanart to this fic because i think it accents it well https://www.spicyyeti.com/stupid/img/homestonk/davekat5000.png
> 
> ALSO IM STILL GIVING AWAY THE INDEX CARD PAINTINGS FOR A DOLLAR https://www.patreon.com/posts/30458469

DAVE: the only logistical error in gay sex  
DAVE: which is otherwise structurally flawless  
DAVE: is that when im ramming you in the ass i cant see your sex face  
KARKAT: MY SEX FACE.  
DAVE: your sex face  
DAVE: my god karkat your sexface  
DAVE: have you seen your sexface lately  
KARKAT: NO.   
DAVE: its actually more structurally flawless than gay sex somehow  
DAVE: DONT ask me how thats possible  
DAVE: i mean how is that even possible?  
DAVE: its picture fucking perfect  
DAVE: ten million scratch that a hundred gigazillion leagues more photogenic than your normal face  
KARKAT: THANKS.  
DAVE: like one of those ancient Old Earth hentai carvings  
DAVE: every glimpse ive caught of sexface!kat could and should be legitimately framed and put on the wall  
DAVE: nobody has ever taken a dick up the ass with more poise   
KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER IT???  
DAVE: omg youre a sex face savant   
DAVE: i lucked out so bad hell yes hell yes hell yes   
KARKAT: I WISH I COULD SHARE IN YOUR 'SEX FACE' ENTHUSIASM   
KARKAT: ALAS MY BOYFRIEND SUFFERED A TRAGIC METEOR CRASH DURING INFANCY THAT PERMANENTLY IMPAIRED HIS ABILITY TO NOT WEAR SUNGLASSES DURING SEX  
KARKAT: IT'S REALLY FUCKING UNFORTUNATE   
DAVE: nah my sex face sucks   
KARKAT: UH DO YOU JERK OFF IN THE MIRROR?   
DAVE: not since 5th grade my dude   
KARKAT: GROSS   
DAVE: but i can just kinda feel it the strings being cut on my radlad pokerface in the throes of passion   
DAVE: i just know my face is doin all kinds of wack shit without my consent   
KARKAT: THAT'S WHY IT'S A SEX FACE, GENIUS.  
KARKAT: THIS IS REALLY UNFAIR. OF COURSE UPON POST SEX CRAZED REFLECTION I FEEL EMBARRASSED OF MY FACIAL CARICATURES--   
DAVE: dont you dare talk about your sex face like that i wont allow it  
DAVE: this is slander   
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP I KNOW MY SEX FACE OWNS.  
KARKAT: THE *REASON* IT'S UNFAIR, DIPSHIT, IS THAT I DON'T GET TO SEE YOURS DESPITE US BEING ON AN EQUAL PLAYING FIELD   
DAVE: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah   
DAVE: this fucking supermodel over here with every natural gift known to man and troll alike just said were sexface equals  
DAVE: no   
DAVE: my sexface sucks   
DAVE: its banned forever  
DAVE: le fin  
KARKAT: LET ME SEE YOUR SEX FACE  
DAVE: mmmmmmnah  
KARKAT: I WANNA FUCKING SEE IT! DO I HAVE TO GET DOWN ON MY HANDS AND KNEES AND GURGLE YOUR FUCKING BALLS?  
KARKAT: DO I HAVE TO SACRIFICIALLY TOSS EVERY ARTICLE OF CLOTHING I OWN INTO A PAPER SHREDDER AND SIGN THE PROPERTY RIGHTS TO MY SUPPLE NAKED BODY OFF TO DAVE VANTAS-STRIDER?  
DAVE: are you proposing to me   
KARKAT: I PROPOSE THAT YOU SHOW ME YOUR STINKING SEX FACE!   
DAVE: i cant when people are looking...  
KARKAT: DURING SEX YOU ABHORRENT FOOL.  
KARKAT: SHOW IT TO ME SO I CAN GET OFF.  
KARKAT: WHAT'S UNDER THE SHADES, STRIDER? A RARE DISPLAY OF RAW UNBRIDLED ECSTACY, YOU SAY? OH LET ME SHARE IN IT'S GLORY SO THAT I MAY CUM  
KARKAT: ALL OVER YOUR HILARIOUSLY CONTORTED FACIAL FEATURES!!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: HM? WHAT'S THIS? YOU'RE LAUGHING?  
KARKAT: BETRAYING THE MACHO MONKS WHO TRAINED YOU IN THE BREWSKI ARTS ON BROSKI MOUNTAIN? GIMME THOSE!  


KARKAT: YOU ARE SUCH AN ENTITLED LITTLE MISCREANT. YOU'VE SEEN SO FAR UP MY ANUS THAT YOU'VE BASICALLY BEEN UTILIZING ME AS A PERISCOPE AT THIS POINT. AND I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOUR FACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
KARKAT: LOOK EVERYONE, STRIDER IS *SMILING*  
KARKAT: OH WAIT! WE ALREADY KNEW THAT FROM LOOKING AT HIS FUCKING MOUTH.  
KARKAT: WHERE DO HIS EYES EVEN FIT INTO THE EQUATION? THEY'RE JUST FUCKING *THERE*. STANDING AROUND LIKE THEY SHOWED UP TO VOTING DAY A DAY TOO EARLY AND NOW THEY'RE SERIOUSLY RECONSIDERING PARTICIPATING IN THE DEMOCRATIC PROCESS ALTOGETHER.   
KARKAT: THAT'S HOW POLITICALLY DISENGAGED YOUR EYES ARE FROM THE CURRENT EVENTS OF THE REST OF YOUR NAUSEATINGLY TRANSPARENT FACE.  
KARKAT: I'M JUST KIDDING. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL AND SUBTLY TELLING YOU STUPID, STUPID HYPOCRITE.  
DAVE: karkat stop before we have sex again  
KARKAT: SHIT.  


# LATER...

**Author's Note:**

> and if you want to download what i use to auto-format my dialogue for the homestuck workskin - https://www.patreon.com/posts/30455111 IT IS BUT A DOLLAR, BUT THE SAME DOLLAR FROM THE BEGINNING NOTES, NOT AN ADDITIONAL DOLLAR.


End file.
